Malling. LeoChy-style.

So... Mall of Asia...

Been there, done that. Got lost a few times but heck, I conquered the damn thing and that's what matters.

I was actually there on a date. My first I think, with my boyfriend. First official date. First official anniversary or like the teenagers say, monthsary. God, it hurt just typing that. Anyway, so yeah, first official monthsary. Don't ask, we're weird that way.

We wanted to watch The Departed but found out we were a week late so we saw World Trade Center instead... Jesus Christ with a bottle of mineral water... Who comes up with this shit? Seriously. After the movie, we went and got lost. I wanted to eat someplace new. But we ended up eating at Chowking. Glorious. Not. But we had fun.

We also hung out and just stared at the err... horizon. Great view. If you don't look down. I did. So I had to back away... a couple of feet away. Had to drag the boy back with me. Scary drop. Christ in stilts.

We had a blast. I had a GREAT time. I haven't laughed that much in ages. Felt good. Of course, I had to ditch work but it's ok. It was for a good cause.

I think I scared the crap out of him though when I started talking about babies. Well... a baby girl more specifically. So sue me, I want one. I even told him that as long as the she gets her nose and her lips from me, the yet unnamed, unconceived, child can get everything else from him. He was a good sport about it though. The boy has balls, who'd have thunk it?

I have to go. It's getting late. I gotta go buy meds and the boy has work tomorrow. He needs sleep.

So toodles and all that crap.

Compli-fuckin-cated beyond words.

I haven't really been posting a lot these past few weeks. It's just that I've somehow "lost my voice." Everything I start writing eventually end up getting scrapped. Plus, my laziness has hit its all time high. Or low. Blech.

And my grammar just went to hell. Again. Damn thing likes the spankings too much.

Anyway, life has been REALLY complicated. Work is once again, blah. Life at home is... weird. My so-called love life is just waaaay too err... complifuckincated. No two shits about it.

I mean, I'm really head over ass in love with HIM but.. Gah! I don't even know why the fuck I think it's complicated in the first place. I mean, he's really really sweet when we're together.... and he makes me laugh and smile. I mean, I don't smile! Ever. But when we're together, I smile all the freakin' time! What the hell is up with that? Weirdness.

What the hell did I get myself into?

He has women hanging around him like... like.... damn they just hang around him all the time! (I told you I lost my voice. I think my IQ went with it too.)

His exes are STILL popping up like... like.... crabgrass! Ok.. bad analogy. I MISS MY IQ! Sumbitch.

I complain too much. I better start writing again. Before I completely forget how to.

Blogspot is my mistress.

How can one really be sure that there is more to a current relationship than just lust? That it is more than just heady, mind-boggling, life-altering great sex? Not that that in itself is bad but sometimes, you just need more. Or less. Depends on how you look at it.

Currently, I am doing the horizontal tango with this really scrumptious boy. He's 24. Yes, still a boy. Compared to my matronly 33. Anyway, he's great in bed. Sweet and very considerate really. Not what you'd normally expect from young 24 year old man-boys. They're more of the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type. But this guy, let's call him Caldo. That's italian for hot. Ok, Caldo is just amazing.

His kisses leave me wanting for more. He knows exactly where to touch me and he knows, even before I do, how I'm going to react. He leaves me breathless, aching and always sated. A few orgasms later, I feel like he's managed to melt all my bones into a puddle of quivering buttery mass. And then and only then would he take care of his needs. Amazing.

And as if that's not enough, he doesn't roll over and snore right after. He drags me into a fierce cuddle and talks to me. We talk about his life, my life, stupid riddles, silly jokes. Anything really. Or we play with my cellphone and try and beat each other at Mobile Darts.

I would have to be really stupid to want more or less of that, right? Don't answer that. The thing is, I know him well enough to know that he doesn't take anything or anyone seriously. The number of broken hearts that he is responsible for is just staggering. He still receives emails , text messages and notes from women he's either dated or slept with, heartbroken but still hopeful.

Or they would start out as angry messages but would always end on a hopeful note. Everytime I talk to him about this, he just brushes me off. Or smothers me with kisses. And then my brain would shift to crazy lustful woman mode and the topic would be forgotten. Until the next time his cellphone goes off and I'd read yet another hopeful text message.

I feel bad for these women. At the same time, I'm scared shitless too. I know, down the line, he'll treat me the exact same way. The big difference though is that, unlike them, I don't hound him to come over and spend time with me. If he's here, then great. If he's not, then he's not. The sex is great but the risk is greater so I keep him at arm's length. Magic Johnson arms. He hates it. It pisses him off that I'm not at his beck and call. Fat chance of that happening. I've been down this road so many times, I'm in no hurry to go down it again.

It boggles him I think when he sees that I don't treat him any differently than I do my other guy friends. He needs to feel wanted, special and pursued. Good luck getting that from me. He's not worth the heartache. And I am. So there.

I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe I just needed to sort my thoughts. Or maybe I needed to kill some time until he got out of the shower. Who knows? One thing I know for sure is... either way this plays out, I'm screwed. So... might as well.

It has been that long.

It has been much too long since I've updated. I have valid reasons. I just can't be arsed to list them all. Suffice it to say, they are all valid and I don't really give a flying rat's ass if you believe them or not.

Lately, work has been taking up most of my time. No social life to speak of. I have been hanging out with Kate a lot lately. She's my best friend's wife. We used to not be so close. It was mostly because of my misplaced sense of loyalty. Glad I grew up. Kate's a blast to be with. We do the whole dancing-while-grocery-shopping bit all the time. We enjoy pretty much the same books. I love her kids and she loves mine. She's my girly-girl conscience.

Anyway, I really do not have a lot to say. I just didn't want people thinking I've gone and started something and didn't have enough gumption to follow through.

I'm following through! Alright?

Crap, I'm sleepy.

Long Time Coming...

It took me 13 days and 4 lifetimes to sit still long enough,
to slice open a vein and copy down the words
flowing out from the wound.

It took me countless heartaches and barrels of tears
to force myself to face the inevitable surrender
of ever finding bliss.

It took me 1 hour and 7 glances until I fell
heart over head, soul over mind,
reason over emotion, with you and your soul.

It took you one little word, one little action
to destroy 33 years of me.

It'll take me more than what time has to offer
to pick myself up
to hope once again
to love. To feel.


©CJ espiritu . July 14, 2005
8:49 PM