Happily Never After.

I lost count on how many times I picked up my phone today to text him because I saw something or thought of something that I wanted to share with him... only to remember that we're broken up.  I need for all this to end soon.  I need to forget.  I need to stop torturing myself and just get it over with.  It's not going to get any better, ever again.  Who am I kidding?  This was my last chance at a normal, happy relationship... despite it being abnormal because of the distance... Heh... it's not like I went into it not knowing there was an expiration date... I just didn't count on it being this painful.  If I had just stuck to my guns and kept it simple, before I got too involved..  you know that saying, "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" whoever said that is completely and utterly full of shit... because if you're not gorgeous, sexy and rich... if you're just a below average woman with absolutely no redeeming values, then love is just another fucked up four letter word... because you'll never be enough... never be worth fighting for. Ever.

Oh what fresh hell is this?

I feel the need to vent.  I just don't know where to start.  To be honest, I don't even know what happened.  It's like I woke up and BAM!  Just like that, my whole life was turned upside down. I don't know who to blame, I don't know what to blame them for.  I just know that I'm hurting and alone.  Utterly and completely alone.  How did that happen?  Work has been keeping me busy but today's the last day and I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself the moment I hit send.  Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of the pain.  I can't play my games, I can't read my books... I can't.  God... you'd think I'd be too old to feel like this.  Short of putting everything that serves as a reminder of what I lost inside a box and burning it, I'm not sure what else to do.  To stop all the memories, all the habits formed.  I need to get away but from what?  And where do I go?  How can I get away from the memories?  Doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing, when the memories come, I just crumble and spend the next hour curled up in bed, crying my eyes out.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Surely, I can get over this too, right?  I've done it before... I've fallen in love, gotten hurt and left and I survived.  Fuck.  How do I do it this time?  When the one who left me now is the one who saved me before?  What the fuck do I do now?  God. I'm surrounded by memories.  They're just everywhere.  Inside my head, in my room... my closet, my phone... everyfuckingwhere!  Do I get rid of everything?  Or do I suffer through the memories and hope that someday, they'd be so faded, I won't have a hard time pushing them to the back of my mind where they belong?  When does this end?  I need the pain to end now... not in the future... not way down the road.  NOW.  And the most painful part of all this?  I'm alone in my pain because I'm the only one who lost someone I love.  The realization that all he lost was an unpleasant distraction is killing me.  How do I get over that?  And the next person who tells me there's somebody out there for me will get gutted with a hunting knife.  I need my anger.  I need to feel rage.  I need something to hold on to so I won't keep crumbling and losing it.  I need everything to stop so I can start.  Again.  Without him.  God, kill me now.

Fin.

If I had the heart to completely delete this blog I will... but I'm afraid, I'm not brave enough to remove everything that reminds me of how happy I used to be in one fell swoop.  Maybe I'll do it slowly over the next few weeks... maybe I'll wake up one day and suddenly have the courage to finally flip the page and start all over again... who knows really?

If there's anything this whole experience has taught me it's that everything ends.  Everything.  No matter how tight you hold onto something, eventually, you'll lose it.  And no amount of wanting, wishing, hoping will get it back once it's gone.  

Especially if you lost it because it left you.

Hi, my name is Sybil. 'Sup?

Ola mi enamoradas!

Work has been keeping me busy these past few weeks but I did manage to have some well deserved rest too, so dontcha worry.  I got a lot of miles in me yet.  I can still learn new tricks, yo!  This girl still has got a lot to say and a lot to do.  

Drowning in internetisms yet?  Let's throw in some OH NOES, w00t w00ts and KTHNXBAIs in there too just to be safe.

So yeah, lots of work to do.  Managed to get my hands on some really great books (ze boyfriend will drop a nut that I didn't crop him out of ze picture... tsk tsk) and finally caved in and got the boxset for The Hunger Games.  Which I won't get to read until my work load eases up... so maybe next week.  We shall see.  I also got Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, Perks of Being a Wallflower (Fi-nuh-lly!) by Stephen Chbosky, Chesapeake Blue by Nora Roberts and Paper Cuts by Pam Pastor.  Runs the gamut, eh?  Was gonna get Astigirl by Tweet Sering but dayuuum, it was 'spensive!

I forgot the unspoken rule of buying an article of clothing every time I get paid.  Blergh.  I've got to remember next time.  To be fair though, I have more important things to use ze monies for.  Yes, books are important!  Durr.  

Ze mind is all over ze place.  I don't even know why I keep using ze.  Whazzup wid joo brain?

What the frak... I promise, I am a literate, educated woman.  Despite those them words up there.  Urgh... it just won't stop.

Anyway, until then... eres mi vida.

Rush. Rush.

To say that I'm swamped with work is putting it mildly.  For the past week, I've been mainlining caffeine by drinking tons of Coke and boosting my flailing system by snaffling down chocolate and anything that is practically made out of sugar.


Todays boost comes from Gatorade, halo-halo, Mini Oreos and packets of KitKat Bites.  Halo halo is a Filipino dessert made with shaved ice, sweetened fruits, candied beans, taro jam, ice cream, tapioca, slivers of flan, milk and sugar.  Literally translated, Halo halo means Mix mix because well... you know why.. unless you haven't been paying attention or just... well, anyway... so my kid goes out to get my mom and I two tumblers of the sweet icy concoction.


Soon as it arrived, I began scooping out the sweetened fruits, the ice cream, the taro jam and the candied beans into my mom's cup. She remained silent throughout the process but when I was finished fishing out the stuff that I didn't like and dumping it into her cup, she looked at me and said, "You should've just bought shaved ice and dumped milk and sugar in it."


Ha!  Maybe next time.  Gotta go write some more now.  See you when I surface next... IF I surface at all.  Sigh.