Today brought me an unexpected and totally unwanted surprise. For the first two minutes after getting the surprise, I was in a state of shock. Then utter resignation. Then despair. Then anger. Utter resignation at the possibility that I will, in fact, grow old and die alone. Despair at the probability that I'll never be good enough for anyone to love me. Angry at the fact that somebody from my past still had the power to make me feel bad.
My friends tell me that I'm a loving, caring, nurturing person. So why the fuck is it IMPOSSIBLE for me to hold onto a relationship that isn't destructive, insincere and fraught with infidelity? Jesus, it must be me because the same thing happens to me over and over and over again. It's annoying as all hell.
Okay yeah I get it. I have to love myself before I should expect other people to love me back. Great. I'm DOOMED to be alone until the day I bid adieu to this godawful existence.
I have to shake this off. If I have any chance of moving on, moving forward and finding the one person who would take me for me and APPRECIATE what I can bring to the table, I have to stop dwelling on the past and living my life to the fullest.
Anybody got a Moving On for Dummies book that I can borrow? Sigh.
No comments:
Post a Comment