And hello to you too...

Life has dealt me another hard blow... Apparently, all along... I've... I don't even know if I can talk about it... it just hurts too damn much... apparently, I've been using "Nice" english. NICE! How can I go on living my life now?

I've tried so hard to live my life as best as I can and still, I get comments like this. What the hell am I doing wrong?

Anyway, yeah. I'm done being petty. I just had to jab a little.

Look, I know you read my blog... I was hoping you would, actually. I wanted to be sure that you did before I address a more specific post to you. This way, it won't look like I'm talking to somebody I conjured out of thin air.

Let me be clear about one thing. I have no problem with you. None at all. You want him, go get him. He's not legally tied down to me. Never was, and honestly... never will. Right now, I'm getting what I can out of this really complicated relationship. Great companionship and frankly, out of this world sex. Like you said, I am old. Older than him. Can't change that, don't want to even if I could.

I like being my age. I love having a teenaged son. I love the freedom that my age affords me. I can go out with whoever I like. Whenever. Wherever. I don't have to answer to anyone except myself.

What I have a problem with is... you assuming that the reason he deleted you from his friends list is that I asked him to. You're so wrong. Sure he did it while I was there but honestly, I was as surprised with it as you are. I don't dictate to him. He does what he wants to do. He's his own man. I've never asked him to stop talking to his exes, stop talking to other women... or whatever.

I don't operate that way. We started out as friends and I want to end this... this convoluted relationship the same way. I've no expectations of happily ever after. Honey, I'm more grounded than that.

Do you know that I'm even friends with my exes current girlfriends or wives? I'm THAT agreeable. I don't believe in fighting over men and I don't think I'll start anytime soon. I just have too much self-respect, I guess. And believe it or not, I respect you too. You are, after all, a woman. Much like me. We love, we hurt. That alone makes us kindred spirits.

I'm not asking if we could be BFFs. I don't think that's possible after everything. Plus, it'll be too weird. But on the other hand, it'll freak him out... and that alone is worth everything. Yes, I'm evil. I know that already. :)

Look, I love him. I don't know why but I do. He's hardly as faithful to me as I am faithful to him but that's my personal hell.

What you need to know is that I love myself too. Who knows, maybe one day I'll love myself more than I love him and wake up and finally realize that he belongs to someone else. I can live with that. Because it only means that someone else is meant for me.

I know you don't have the IQ of a tse-tse fly. Believe it or not, I was talking in general. If you took offense, my apologies. I've always been a bitch when I'm angry and can't lash out.

I've known him since he was... 10, I think. He was friends with my friend's little brother. My friend and I lost touch for a few years, when I came back, L grew up. I must admit that he looks good. Cute in his own way. But that's not why I fell in love with him.

I fell in love with him the moment I realized he can make me smile inspite of everything else that was going wrong in my life. It takes a lot to make me smile. And for that, I'll forever be grateful to him.

He and I will eventually break up, much to my dismay, but until then... let's call a truce, shall we? If only to drive him crazy.

And please... don't ever tell me I use NICE english. I've worked hard my whole life trying to build up my bitchy rep. :) Among other things.

If you need to reach me, message me on friendster. Or add me. Why the heck not? It's crazy, it's unheard of and it's so decadent. :)