It has been that long.

It has been much too long since I've updated. I have valid reasons. I just can't be arsed to list them all. Suffice it to say, they are all valid and I don't really give a flying rat's ass if you believe them or not.

Lately, work has been taking up most of my time. No social life to speak of. I have been hanging out with Kate a lot lately. She's my best friend's wife. We used to not be so close. It was mostly because of my misplaced sense of loyalty. Glad I grew up. Kate's a blast to be with. We do the whole dancing-while-grocery-shopping bit all the time. We enjoy pretty much the same books. I love her kids and she loves mine. She's my girly-girl conscience.

Anyway, I really do not have a lot to say. I just didn't want people thinking I've gone and started something and didn't have enough gumption to follow through.

I'm following through! Alright?

Crap, I'm sleepy.

Long Time Coming...

It took me 13 days and 4 lifetimes to sit still long enough,
to slice open a vein and copy down the words
flowing out from the wound.

It took me countless heartaches and barrels of tears
to force myself to face the inevitable surrender
of ever finding bliss.

It took me 1 hour and 7 glances until I fell
heart over head, soul over mind,
reason over emotion, with you and your soul.

It took you one little word, one little action
to destroy 33 years of me.

It'll take me more than what time has to offer
to pick myself up
to hope once again
to love. To feel.


©CJ espiritu . July 14, 2005
8:49 PM

Richness. Truly.

He makes me happy.

Yes, he does.

I may be bitchy, whiny, silly, dumb and neurotic but he still stands by me.

He has the patience of a saint. I'm grateful.

Oh he's so gonna kill me.

♥♥♥

Like An Old Friend

Rain. The one single constant in my life.

It has always, ALWAYS rained on my birthday. It doesn't matter if the day starts out scorchingly hot, it will always be faithful and shower me with birthday raindrops.

It was storming when I was born. Half of Manila was submerged. It took my uncle half a day to get to the hospital to visit me and my mom. And I love hearing this story every time. It's like I have this special connection with the heavens.

I know I'm not the only person in the universe born that day but for me, I've always felt like it's raining specially for me. That the rain makes a special note in her calendar to come visit me during my day. And she has never failed me. Not once. Never.

Sure, sometimes she would bring earthquakes with her. Or a volcano eruption. But she's always always there. Soothing, calming, comforting.

I love the rain mostly because she loves me too.

Unconditionally.

Betrayal

... is the worst part of friendship.

Inetivably one will be betrayed, one will be left hurting. And that is always me.

To whoever showed him this blog... I know you did. I know when and how. The question is, why.

I hope you're happy that you've ruined what was to me, a great friendship.

And to you, dear sir... if you had thought that I would let my emotions get in the way of our friendship, you are wrong. I've never done that. Never will. Friends are more important than lovers or boyfriends or soulmates. At least to me.

Friends are my lifeblood. And because you chose to be shallow... you just took away a piece of my life.

I hope you and your assumptions and your massive stupidity will be happy together for the rest of your life.

Oh shit.

It has been one helluva shitty week.

Allow me to enumerate the reasons as to why...

1. We (the love of my life and I), went from inseparable to barely acknowledging each other's presence. Something happened and everything just went poof. Which is sad because I have come to look forward to spending my birthday with him. Well, not just with him... you know the drill. To say that this hurts like hell will be an understatement. The pain I'm experiencing right now is raw, gut-wrenching and extremely disheartening. This, ladies and gentlemen is the mother of all pain. Fuck childbirth. That's a papercut compared to this.




2. I have munglung. What is munglung you ask. It is very simply put, the most irritating ailment ever. You walk around feeling like shit, you have this HUGE motherfucking loogey stuck to the back of your throat that no amount of hawking, coughing or general throat clearing can get rid of AND you have NO sense of smell and taste. Not to mention the fact that this is quadruply irritating to me as I work in a frigging call center.... Extremely, extremely annoying.




3. I have the monthlies. And every stupid thing that comes with it. Nausea, cramps from the devil's ass, short temper, melodramatic episodes, emotion-powered tears... every single female thing!




4. I'm losing weight. Yeah I know that's a good thing but see, now everything I own looks extremely hip-hopperish when I wear them. And that's just icky.




5. My heart is hurting. It's hurting like Burt Reynold's toupee. :(

I want my mommy.

Seriously.

I have not posted in forever. And I promised myself I would not let this blog shrivel up and die like my love life. How pathetic is it that the person you're with is only three feet away yet you can't seem to reach him?

Eh. My love life is not blog fodder. At least not this blog. All pathetic love posts will be kept under lock and key over at LJ.

Lately I've been doing nothing but work my ass off for little or no compensation. Just for the sake of love.

Damnit.

I'll be back when I have something far less moronic to post.

Girl Gone Mad.

I've went and done it again. I've fallen in love with the unattainable. I've given my heart to something I cannot ever hope of having. This time, it's different. This time, it's ok. All he needs to be is a smile away and I'm ok.

We hold hands. We laugh together. We jabber, we vIRC. We talk about work, love, life, him, me. We watch movies. 4 movies in 2 weeks! A record for me. Madagascar, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Batman Begins, and A Lot Like Love. He puts his arms around me and tells me he loves me and although I know he doesn't, it's ok. It's very ok. Because he doesn't take away anything from me, instead he gives.

He gives me a reason to get up in the morning. He gives me a reason to walk lightly. He gives me a reason to smile. He gives me tummy aches from laughing too much. He gives me a reason to primp and dress up all girly like.

I know, mushy right? That it is. But grown up too. I'm not expecting anything from him but him. His presence in my life is what makes it livable. He thinks I'm cool. He loves hanging out with me. He doesn't ask for anything that I don't want to give. He doesn't ask, period. I just give. Not every little bit of me, but the bits of me that matter. My open heart, my smiling mouth, my listening ears, my warm hands.

And I know, eventhough his heart belongs three seats away from mine, I know that he has me in it somewhere. I know he thinks of me and that sometimes, sometimes, the thought of me makes him smile. And that is enough. That is enough because he is all I have ever asked for. A hand to hold, a constant in my life.

And although I've accepted the fact that he will never be truly, captivatingly, encompassingly mine, I remain ok. I remain hopeful. I remain his.

The Milkfish Will Rule The World.

My love for the bizarre has invaded my dreams. By love I mean obsession and by bizarre I mean ridiculously cute things.

Or maybe it was the pizza I had for dinner. Or the fact that I haven't been buying any toys since last month. But daaaaaaamn... my dream last night was just... well, weird will be putting it mildly.

It all started with me fighting with my mother. In itself, that wasn't weird. But the circumstances were. There was a baby, sleeping under a train that we were on and the train was able to pass without it getting hurt but my mom had to coochie-coo the tyke and his little onesies got stuck in one of the gears and he got hurt. Hurt mind you, not killed. Anyway, that led into a big fight that got me running away from her and joining this band of misfits that roamed the street.

So, there I was, roaming the streets when all of a sudden, a war of epic proportions broke. The humans against the milkfish. I shit you not. Apparently, the milkfish were just waiting, biding their time until they all formed this monstrous underwater whirlpool that sucked under everyone they chose. They sucked under a lot of people and just killed the rest that were left up top.

Well, we were part of the people that got sucked underwater. And when we came to, it was a sort of gigantic mall under all that water. And there were flying robotic vehicles above us that were shining lights on all of us, one by one. Suddenly, stores were starting to open. And they were filled with the most awesome toys! There were the usual food, clothes and all that typical mall stuff but EVERY store had awesome toys!

I was estatic! Some of my misfit brothers and sisters wanted to secure food and clothing first before we go crazy over the toys but did I listen? Hell of course not! WE'RE TALKING REALLY COOL TOYS!!!

So I zipped around the mall, going from store to store until I found a toy that I really really liked. Then I remembered that I didn't have any money. Well, I had money but that was back-up-on-the-land money and not under-the-water money. That didn't stop me though. I took the toy and waved it at the saleslady who was busy tending to some old lady who acted and looked like she belonged and lived there already. The saleslady didn't want to give me the toy but the old lady took one look at me and decided to give me the toy and in the process, give me under-the-water money!

So, I zipped around some more and found more stores with more cool toys which I bought! The neat thing about the toys is that they came with either candies or snacks. So I was securing toys for me and food for my fellow misfits. Who now also had under-the-water money that came from people who looked like they lived there.

Lastly, we came to this REALLY neat store with waaaaaaay cooler toys! So I bought me some cute robots, some cute weird plushies and because I was running out of money, I haggled with the man who was tending the store, who eerily looked like *Anjo Yllana. I bought food we could cook and in exchange, he would give me free toys. He agreed and we proceeded to pack the items inside really cool plastic containers that took the shape of whatever item you put inside it.

After all the toys and food were packed, I dug into my small purse for more under-the-water money. And because I was so excited about the toys, I mistakenly handed him back-up-on-the-land money. He took one look at it and reported me to the underwater milkfish police. (Which part of this is a weird dream did you not understand?)

The underwater milkfish police made me choose just one toy that I could bring with me before they send me back up on land. I chose this really cute robot that moved everytime you told it to and made beep-beep-beeping noises. After they saw that I had made my choice, they slapped something on my arm that made me go to sleep. When I woke up, I woke up.

And then I just had to rush online to write everything before I completely forgot about the dream.

Now, is it any wonder why I am craving to buy a neat toy?

*for you non-pinoys: Anjo Yllana is a local actor-politician

Epiphany con Lucky Me Bulalo

This morning over breakfast my kid and I were talking about the impending back to school expenses. Not the inevitable tuition fees and unavoidable (and ever increasing) miscallaneous fees but the gel for his hair, the dagdag baon for more snacks, the money for the magazine he buys monthly, and other non-school fees I have to pay during the school year.

I was complaining that everytime he advances a year, he seems to want an increase in allowance. He's almost 12 by the way and ALREADY has a girlfriend. Slut. Kidding. Not. Anyway, I told him that he would have to come up with an alternative way of earning his money instead of always putting a gun to my head. (In his case, it's the adorable way he smiles at me...)

So I suggested that he sell his artwork. He's a whiz when it comes to art. So unlike me. I try and draw something and it always comes out looking like a cockroach. A very ugly and mutated cockroach. Not even a cockroach would recognize it. Get what I mean?

I digress, so... he said he'll think about it because he doesn't know how to go about selling his art. We thought about making him a website but that would be too much hassle. For me. And I already have a lot of things to contend with. Playing webmistress to his online venture would be one job too much.

Then he came up with the brilliant idea of getting paid for chores. Right. Who pays their kids to do stuff around the house???? And then it hit me. My mom. I used to get paid just for sweeping the floor. Crap. My kid has turned into me. And that's not something I am proud of. I don't want him taking the easy way out. Look where that got me!

After a long and drawn out discussion, we came to the agreement that he would forfeit half of his weekly allowance so that it would go straight to his bank (me) and then just make withdrawals whenever he REALLY needs it. Date money excluded. NO DATES UNTIL HE CAN SEND ME ON A TRIP AROUND THE WORLD. Damnit.

He agreed (at this point, he doesn't have a choice) and we happily finished up our lukewarm bulalo. After which he asked me... "Mom, you approve loans right? I need to buy hair gel..."

Susme.

And the consensus is...

So I told my friends about my new blog. And just as I expected... everyone went, "ano!?! isa na naman!?!"

What can I say? I'm a blogwhore. I like yakking it up uninterrupted. Pag sa blog kasi, the only interruption you encounter is when you run out of things to say or when you're busy firing up Word to check your spelling. O, don't tell me you guys don't do that minsan! Kunyari pa kayo.

Mahirap na kasi... ang daming spelling nazis na nagkalat sa internet. Wag lang madaanan ang blog mo, hahagilapin na yung magnifying glass nila at maghahanap na ng mga salitang mali ang spelling. Tapos, mag-iiwan pa yan ng comment na "U SUCK!" o di naman kaya "UR DUMB!" na akala mo sila eh nuknukan ng tatalino. Spelling lang ng YOU di pa alam.

So anyway... I suspect I'll be writing more here. I might pull a fast one on you and actually make sense but that's not till next time. Right now, I'mma gonna watch me some mind-numbing TV.

Isa Pa Ulit, Ate!

I have a million and one journals. Online and paper. Bakit kaya? Marami lang siguro talaga kong gustong sabihin. Isa pa, hinahanap ko parin kasi boses ko eh. Hindi pa ko sigurado kung saan nanggagaling ang boses ko. Sa akin ba o sa mga nakapaligid sakin.

So until I find my voice, I'll keep shouting, talking, whispering... Hopefully mahanap ko na bago ko permanently mapaos.

It's hard going through life constantly analyzing if your voice is an echo of the various sounds around you. Tulad minsan na lang pag nanonood ako ng mga reality shows... Oo, reality show junkie ako! Minsan, iniisip ko, is the reason I'm rooting for a specific person to win eh dahil yun ang gusto ng mga kasama ko? O dahil gusto ko lang talaga yung "manok" ko?

In The Contender, I really wanted Jessie Brinkley to win. When he lost to Sergio, sige na nga... si Peter na lang. Nyek. Talo rin. Sa American Idol, gusto ko si Bo. Pfft. We all know what happened. WHO INVENTED COUNTRY MUSIC???? Nyeta. Sa Amazing Race, I wanted Rob and Amber to win. Of course, talo sila... gusto ko sila manalo eh? O diba?

Teka lang... di kaya mabasa nila to and lahat sila magpuntahan dito at batukan ako? Photo op! Hahahaha! Malamang lang ma-ICU ako pero worth it diba? Pangscrapbook na rin for the future perusal of my progeny. Naks lalim.

I can just see it... my grandchildren, gathered around my memoirs, talking amongst themselves... "Astig ni Lola! Nabatukan ni Amber!"

Ay na-off tangent na naman ako. Haaay, I tend to do that a lot these days. Hirap. Palibhasa kasi laging kulang sa tulog. Slave to the Almighty Call Center God kasi eh. F*cked up talaga yung sleeping habits mo. I'm awake when the whole world is asleep and asleep when the whole world is making a whole lotta noise. Talo.

My social life is non-existent. My lovelife is extinct. Puro headset at unan na lang ang kilala ko ngayon. My writing even took a backseat to work. I used to be able to fire up the ol' computer and just write my ass off. Ngayon, wala. Wala nang laman ang utak ko. Puro call resolutions, documentation, verification... lintik.

Eto kayang bagong blog ko? Kelan kaya to mag-e-expire from neglect?