Photo Break.

It doesn't hurt that Shawn Smith "liked" this on my Facebook wall.  I mean, w00t.

See?  

All men are created equal...ly douchey.

I have to remember that I hate guys; in theory I do and I always remember. But then you meet someone and they treat you like a princess and spin a tale so beautiful you can’t help but fall. And suddenly you catch yourself thinking, “Surely this one must be different, he must be the one that is going to make up for all the others, that infamous prince to the rescue. No one could possibly be that much of a sociopath.” While they are simultaneously thinking, “Wanna bet?”

Starting from the edges...

I'm slowly putting myself back together again... like a giant jigsaw puzzle on steroids.  It's not going to be easy.  It never is.  At times, I still feel betrayed... or abandoned... or guilty.  My head isn't the best place to be in right now.  And on top of everything, I have to deal with something extra confusing and lots annoying.  All I ever wanted is to have a simple, happy fulfilled life.  Heh... somehow I ended up getting the complete opposite.  

Business as usual.

I don't know how long I can keep this up.  I don't know when I last slept.  I spend the day glued to the TV or forcing myself to read or filling my journal with garbled thoughts.  I didn't realize just how many normal day to day things remind me of him.  I've stripped my room bare of every single thing that would send me into an emotional tailspin and put all of them in a box.   Yesterday, I took the box outside to burn it only to take it inside again, rifle through its contents and fight the urge to bash every single window pane to pieces with my bare hands.  I've pushed everyone I know away because I can't share this with anyone yet... how can I?  How do I begin to tell people that he's moved on and I'm stuck here, broken and confused?  Why can't he feel miserable like me, if only for a little bit?  Why the fuck am I the only one suffering?  How do I start hating someone I've known and loved for so long so I can start living again?  How is this so easy for him?  Why am I the only one mourning?  Why is it so easy for him to stop everything?  I'm on a slow downward spiral to self-destruction and I can't seem to stop.

Happily Never After.

I lost count on how many times I picked up my phone today to text him because I saw something or thought of something that I wanted to share with him... only to remember that we're broken up.  I need for all this to end soon.  I need to forget.  I need to stop torturing myself and just get it over with.  It's not going to get any better, ever again.  Who am I kidding?  This was my last chance at a normal, happy relationship... despite it being abnormal because of the distance... Heh... it's not like I went into it not knowing there was an expiration date... I just didn't count on it being this painful.  If I had just stuck to my guns and kept it simple, before I got too involved..  you know that saying, "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" whoever said that is completely and utterly full of shit... because if you're not gorgeous, sexy and rich... if you're just a below average woman with absolutely no redeeming values, then love is just another fucked up four letter word... because you'll never be enough... never be worth fighting for. Ever.

Oh what fresh hell is this?

I feel the need to vent.  I just don't know where to start.  To be honest, I don't even know what happened.  It's like I woke up and BAM!  Just like that, my whole life was turned upside down. I don't know who to blame, I don't know what to blame them for.  I just know that I'm hurting and alone.  Utterly and completely alone.  How did that happen?  Work has been keeping me busy but today's the last day and I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself the moment I hit send.  Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of the pain.  I can't play my games, I can't read my books... I can't.  God... you'd think I'd be too old to feel like this.  Short of putting everything that serves as a reminder of what I lost inside a box and burning it, I'm not sure what else to do.  To stop all the memories, all the habits formed.  I need to get away but from what?  And where do I go?  How can I get away from the memories?  Doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing, when the memories come, I just crumble and spend the next hour curled up in bed, crying my eyes out.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Surely, I can get over this too, right?  I've done it before... I've fallen in love, gotten hurt and left and I survived.  Fuck.  How do I do it this time?  When the one who left me now is the one who saved me before?  What the fuck do I do now?  God. I'm surrounded by memories.  They're just everywhere.  Inside my head, in my room... my closet, my phone... everyfuckingwhere!  Do I get rid of everything?  Or do I suffer through the memories and hope that someday, they'd be so faded, I won't have a hard time pushing them to the back of my mind where they belong?  When does this end?  I need the pain to end now... not in the future... not way down the road.  NOW.  And the most painful part of all this?  I'm alone in my pain because I'm the only one who lost someone I love.  The realization that all he lost was an unpleasant distraction is killing me.  How do I get over that?  And the next person who tells me there's somebody out there for me will get gutted with a hunting knife.  I need my anger.  I need to feel rage.  I need something to hold on to so I won't keep crumbling and losing it.  I need everything to stop so I can start.  Again.  Without him.  God, kill me now.

Fin.

If I had the heart to completely delete this blog I will... but I'm afraid, I'm not brave enough to remove everything that reminds me of how happy I used to be in one fell swoop.  Maybe I'll do it slowly over the next few weeks... maybe I'll wake up one day and suddenly have the courage to finally flip the page and start all over again... who knows really?

If there's anything this whole experience has taught me it's that everything ends.  Everything.  No matter how tight you hold onto something, eventually, you'll lose it.  And no amount of wanting, wishing, hoping will get it back once it's gone.  

Especially if you lost it because it left you.