Shedding the past.

It's official.  I'm single again.  I think I'll stay that way for good this time.  It's just easier not to trust people than to risk putting myself in that very vulnerable position again.  I'm done putting my emotional and mental well-being into somebody else's hands.  It's time I took the control back and keep it, for good.


I won't say I'll never fall in love again.  Knowing me, I probably will, many times over.  However, I don't think I'll ever risk getting into a relationship again.  I don't care how lonely it'll get at times.  Or how much it'll ache not to have somebody to love you right back.  But I deserve never to get hurt again, and the only person that can guarantee that is me.


I still find myself having teensy crushes on people and every once in a while, the butterflies visit.  And that's going to have to be good enough for me.  From now on, I'm going to trust only myself.  I'm only going to believe me.  Because if the past three years have taught me anything, it's that people lie.  When they tell you they love you, they lie.  When they tell you you deserve so much more, they're lying.  When they tell you they're never, ever going to deliberately hurt you - that right there is the biggest lie of all.


So from this day forward, the only person allowed to make me feel bad is me.  I'm responsible for my own happiness, and nobody can ever convince me otherwise.


Here we go.

End of the line.

There's just no reason to trust anybody, ever again.  Everybody lies.  

When I say... What I mean is...

When I say, "I'm upset because you've gone hours without saying a word to me..." what I mean is, "Why is messaging me once in a while to let me know you're not ignoring me so hard for you to do?"

When I say "I'm upset because people have been taking me for granted so much these past few days," what I mean is, "I'm upset because you're blatantly taking me for granted."

When I say, "If you're not going to talk to me, then log off so I won't have to see you ignoring me..." what I mean is, "Stay and talk to me."

When I say, "I'm nobody, I'm not worth anything..." what I mean is, "I'm nobody to you and not worth your time."

I'm not sure you even read my blog anymore... I'm not sure you really cared to, to begin with.  I'm not sure you mean what you say when you say you're sorry.  You've apologized so many times, for the same things, over and over again.  It makes me think why you just can't remember what hurts me and what makes me happy.

It's not even about being in a relationship or not being in one.  It's about knowing what your friend REALLY needs from you and helping her realize that you do mean what you say and giving her what she needs isn't so much of a hardship.

Making her feel like she's less important than a stadium full of strangers with computers, or a new book, or the hassle of finding a way to talk to her doesn't help and is costing her her sanity and emotional well-being.  Proving her she's wrong and that she really is important, does.  And it doesn't cost a single pence.  All it takes is a few texts.  A few words.  A few minutes.