Answers.

I've always wondered just how much heartache I can take before I completely and utterly give up.


Now I know.


I'm done.

Smile little duckling, smile.

Not even a day old and this little duckling is already a charmer. He is such a cute little bug and I'm not saying that because he's my nephew... I mean, c'mon... look at him! Doesn't he just radiate cuteness like the sun radiates warmth?

I could spend an entire day just looking at him.

Mint Condition. Out of the Box.

"Sid"

Sidney Cloud Canumay Espiritu
Born December 16, 2009 at 9:54PM

A love letter and some sparkly snowmen.

I considered making another post altogether but I don't want to have a million separate posts in a day so here we go...

I took some pictures.

The problem with Eve.

We women always say that most men are born with the asshole gene. Mainly true but the condition resulting from said gene is fixable. And also, men are pretty tolerant of each other. They recognize that they're all men and so they learn to live with each others' asshole-ness.

Now, most women, in turn are born with a mutated strain of the competitive bitch gene. Fortunately for men, the gene only turns normally sane women against each other. Men are immune from the resulting mayhem except when they're caught right smack in the middle of an out and out bitch fight.

Why!? Why are females so hell bent on competing against each other? Why!?!? I don't get it. I'm female and I'm completely clueless as to why this keeps happening. You can supposedly be the best of friends and subconsciously still compete with each other. Like who's sexier, who's got the prettier hair, the hunkier guy, the longer legs, the designer clothes... well fuck that.

If I tell you that you win- that you're prettier, smarter, sexier, cooler than a dozen me combined, will you leave me the fuck alone already?

I want to be female and rock. I don't want to be a fucking dramatic bitch and be all, "Waah she stole my thunder, I have to take her down" all the time. Grow up ladies. Seriously, grow some balls.

He's my man. Mine. Go find your own or fuck it, wait your goddamn turn.

Geek Chic.

Percy got his hands on my eyeglasses. He thinks he can pull it off better. I happen to agree.

I fall under the Etc.

I think I've finally realized what was so obvious to a lot of other people except myself. I am a geek. I'm pretty sure I'm not the the smartest geek in the world, let's face it, I'm no Sheldon Cooper but I'm damn sure I'm a Velma.

The geek Wikipedia entry defines it as "a slang term, noting individuals as "a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality, electronics, etc." In case you were wondering, I fall under the etc.

People often say I have an unhealthy obsession towards toys. More specifically toys of the plush variety. I actually subscribe to a lot of toy blog sites and follow many plush designers on Twitter. I currently own, thanks mainly to the boyfriend, an unhealthy number of plush toys of the Shawnimals kind. In fact, I just recently got my greedy little paws on a limited edition plush who I now fondly call, Percy. He's an early Christmas present from the boyfriend. Percy's 16 of 200, signed, sealed, delivered and MINE.

I also own more than the average person's share of books, graphic novels and comic books. I am currently into this really cool graphic novel that chronicles the otherworldly adventures of a heroine called Alexandra Trese. She is my hero. I wanna be like her if I ever grow up. Don't count on it though.

I also prefer wearing graphic tees, jeans and chucks over girly blouses, frilly skirts and high heels. Although, I can probably run and walk better in stilettos than in flip flops and when necessary, I do occasionally put on a dress. I get excited when I see black-framed eyeglasses and often don't really care about make up or jewelry. Some of my female friends have given up on trying to girlify me. Yes, yes... girlify is not a real word... who cares? If you can read it and understand what it means, that's a word. In fact, I'm claiming ownership of the word girlify. So there.

I can't stop watching, talking about, gushing over Big Bang Theory. Sheldon Cooper just amuses the hell out of me. It pleases me a lot that I understand some of the obscure humorous references they make on the show. Some stuff go whoosh but that's easily solvable by Google. I'm not sure how I feel about loving the fact that I'm more Leonard than Penny though. Oh well. C'est la vie.

Ok, most of the geeks out there with IQs that can circle the earth 1238105781 times may or may not think I deserve the title but I still embrace it.

I am a geek. I am Velma. Hear me go off tangent.

Nuq daq yuj da'pol?

He's getting better at it... I swear.

My heart is bursting with pride.


In other news...

I've been really, incredibly lazy with the blog lately. I have no excuse too. I've had TONS of time to buckle down and write a proper update but all I've managed to do is watch Big Bang Theory episodes that the boyfriend has downloaded for me, play my games and that's about it. Ugh.

Maybe in a few more days I can finally get it together enough to write something... substantial that does not involve how lame my life is, anything plush related or really irrelevant stuff. I wish.

Hide Percy, hide!

My baby does NOT get the whole concept of being a ninja. Oy vey.

The first of many.

I ♥ the little bugger.

Like I said, you're going to be sick of Percy and me soon enough.

Until then..... pictures!!

Thankful.

1. One day closer to getting my Winter Ninja
2. ♥ Waking up to mushy texts from the boyfriend ♥
   
3. Friends who make me laugh
4. Butterscotch bars
5. Sheldon Cooper

I need a name!

He's on his way... just left Chicago about a couple of hours ago. I really don't want to keep calling him Winter but I can't come up with a name. The boyfriend jokingly suggested Percy. At least I hope he was joking.

You're so going to get sick of my Winter Ninja posts. I wish I could say I'm going to stop gushing about him once I have him in my hands but.... there will be photoshoots galore. He shall be blogged about incessantly. There will be daily tweets and twitpics. Facebook statuses shall mostly be about him.

The boyfriend will probably be a bit jealous of him too. It's possible. I'm already in love with him and he's still on a plane on his way to me.

I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. I just happen to have a really soft spot for Shawnimals ninjas. Cute little buggers.

A change brought about by winter.

A couple of things.... one, I have to buckle down and revamp this blog already. It's too dark and frankly, I'm so over the old layout. Time to make a change. I'm thinking three columns with a light and fun background. Simple but still amazing. Gotta start looking for ideas. In the meantime, a slight revamp wouldn't hurt.

And... I need to start writing again. I've neglected my journals and I have tons of stories I need to finish. I just need to get my head into the whole creative process again. Gotta stop putting off stuff and start finishing my stories.

Now, the whole reason behind this post is so I could BRAG about something really awesome. First I have to say, I have got THE best boyfriend in the world. He absolutely, amazingly, spectacularly rocks. If you ever find yourselves around him, hold on to your socks...

So... on to the thing I wanted to brag about....

I'm getting a Shawnimals Winter Ninja in just a few days!!!!

Beat that. ♥

On the contrary...

A line in the movie Sweet Home Alabama best sums up what I'm feeling right now...

"Honey, just because I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid."

You know what I hate? What I really, truly hate? Is when people I love and who claim to love me treat me like I'm some brain dead slug.

Genius I may not be but I'm not stupid either. No sir, I'm not. Just because you THINK you've gotten away with it doesn't mean you've gotten away with it.

If it didn't hurt so effing much, this... all of this would be so freaking hilarious.

A list, some pictures and HRP.

Five things that I'm grateful for today:
1. My internet connection worked and I was able to load all my pages.
2. Dreamed about really good things and woke up remembering 'em.
3. I was able to take really GREAT pictures of one of my ninjas.
4. Talked to my Ducky and we're on Day 3 of our No Fighting Week.
5. I'm alive, loved and can love.

Some pictures:

HRP
I'm in a really great relationship and because of this, I'm not quite sure how to proceed. I've only ever been in really horrible, really painful relationships so I'm treading on unfamiliar territory. Because of this, my insecurities are surfacing and I've been picking fights with my boyfriend... a lot. I really don't want to argue or even quibble but somehow, I can't seem to stop myself. My insecurities are causing my boyfriend and I some really potentially devastating problems and only recently did I find an explanation as to why I'm the way I am this time around. (God my grammar has gone straight to hell.)

Anyway, I'm suffering from what's known as HRP or Happy Relationship Paranoia. I read about it in a webcomic that, of all people, my boyfriend linked me to. In the comic, HRP is described like so, "It's when you're in a great relationship, but can't stop worrying that you'll fuck it up or that it's gonna end somehow."

Now that I know what it is, I can be more aware of what I'm doing. Just recently we declared a No Fighting Week and so far, it's going great.

A Round Up
There's more but I'm so lazy to sum everything up. Maybe next time.

Inspiration.

I follow a lot of blogs and as a result, I get inspired by their nifty little ideas and awesomely inspired posts. And because my Mom keeps telling me I need a shot of bliss in my life, I decided to "follow" these awesome people's leads and see if posting about the stuff that makes me happy can actually make me happy. Convoluted but it makes sense in my head. S'what matters, really.

So here goes...

But first, here are a few pictures.

Can't we all just get along?

After much cajoling and groveling from me, a couple of time outs and the threat of losing their computer privileges, these two decided they can, after all, be friends.

I love happy endings.

My fortune for the day.... PORK!

New toy alert. Fortune Pork Series 2. His name is Woggle. And I love him to pieces. That is all. Life is just too complicated and depressing right now to warrant a post so this'll hafta do.

Rainy day blues.

When was the last time you held hands with your significant other? Or just spent the day huddled together under the covers, giggling like fiends over shared jokes... when you last shared a sandwich or a pint of chocolate ice cream? Or when you last spent the day just being together, catching up on each others' lives, making up for lost cuddling opportunities?

Sometimes we forget to stop and just appreciate that when we reach out, there's a hand waiting to take hold of us. We take for granted that a cuddle is only an arm's length away... that a kiss is just a few feet away, in the other room.

I have a boyfriend. A really great one. He loves me and tolerates my many moods. He understands my obsession with toys and sometimes (ok, most of the time...) indulges my whims. He is patient with me despite my legions of flaws and insecurities and petty demands. He talks me through really tough times and comforts me with promises of better days. He surprises me with random emails, peppers me with sweet texts and he calls me babygirl. I'm a very lucky girl, indeed. There isn't a day I don't thank the heavens that I have him in my life.

Everything would be perfect if only he didn't live across the ocean. A bajillion miles away from me. And so everything we do, I horde away for when I need to cuddle. Everything he tells me, I try to remember for the days when I need to be reminded that somebody loves me. All our conversations, savored and recalled during rainy days when all I really want to do is huddle under the covers, with him... giggling over shared jokes, catching up on each others' lives.

Abort. Retry. Fail.

The last few days have been tough on me... emotionally. It's like fate has it in for me. Like I have no right to happiness. Even temporarily. Everything comes with a goddamned catch.

"Ok, you can have a boyfriend but he has to live on the other side of the world...."

"Ok, you can finally stop being paranoid because this one is honest but you're not going to like the answers so be sure you're prepared to deal with the pain..."

"Sure, you can tell the world you're in a relationship but the world won't necessarily believe you..."

There's something to be said about knowing that your man is 100% honest with you. Specially if you've been in dishonest relationships in the past... but sometimes, the truth, no matter how much you claim you want the whole of it, cuts to the bone.

Why can't I just deal with one fucking depressing aspect of my life at a time? Why must they all happen ALL at FUCKING ONCE?

A post about, what else - ninjas!

If a picture paints a thousand words, here's a bajillion.

I'm covered until the end of the year.

Happiness is in making lists...

A lot of people whose blogs I visit daily have posted lists of things that make them happy... what a great idea. And as such, needs to be emulated... so here goes.

10 things that make me happy:

1. waking up from the fading remnants of a really wonderful dream...
2. getting sweet random emails and blog comments from my man
3. grilled cheese sandwiches and soup
4. a really good book
5. listening to my kid play his guitar and realizing just how good he is
6. getting ideas for my shawnimals plush ninjas pictures
   
7. a tall glass of iced tea
8. my mom telling me a really funny joke and laughing with me
9. gonuts donuts mini chocolate chip cookies
10. discovering really inspiring blogs of really inspiring people

What's in YOUR bag? Part deux.

Alright, here's what I have in my bag right now... well in one of my bags at least. I have way too many bags and far too many wallets. So anyway...

I have the following stuff crammed inside my Kamiseta bag:

• Make up kit/Overnight toiletries bag
• Wallet (yes, it's a new one too... sigh... I admit I have a problem)
• That thing that looks like a ramen noodle cup... that's really a coin purse.
• Medicine bottles crammed to the brim with pills, capsules and tablets.
• Samsung MP3 player
• iPhone and pouch.
• 3 different kinds of flash drives. Again, I acknowledge that I have a problem.
• Shaun the sheep plush keychain.
• Some random plush keychain for my house keys.
• Wet wipes
• Comb
• My baby of course... I never leave home without him. In case you're wondering, I'm referring to the ninja.

Just typing it all down made my back hurt....

Heaven is made of doughnuts.

And cupcakes, crullers and so much more... mmmmmm...

New man in my life...

I only just started reading The Time Traveler's Wife and already, I have fallen head over heels in love with Henry. Sigh.

Move over snuggleums... Mr. DeTamble just came to town.

Electronic bliss on tap.

I've decided to share some snippets of a few emails I've received within the week. It's been quite a week, lemme tell you that. So full of extreme highs and crashing lows. But that's for another post. Now on to the snippets!

One:
I'm sitting here trying to find words to write rather than doing my work or anything else. I'm not sure why I'm writing this yet, apart from to say how I love you, so I'll keep writing. I'm sorry if it makes no sense.

Two:
Your Facebook statuses get weirder and weirder with each passing post. Turn down the crazy, little missy. It's getting a tad bit too obvious. Yes I know, redundant much.

Three:
I'm keeping my eye on you. You're the only girl I know who needs an emotional babysitter. Who is he and does he know what he's getting into? Don't tell him about the bodies in the basement or he'll run so fast, so quick you'll be having whiplash until 2022.

Four:
We've read your writing samples and we're certainly impressed. You seem to know how to write in different voices. We're sure you'll be a great addition to our pool of writers. We'll be in touch.

Five:
weirdo. stop making fun of her bf! although he really does look like jarjar binks' ass pimple. if you tell her i said so i'll kill you.

Six:
You turd! You never write back! Too busy being a girl? Hahaha! You're turning into a girl! Disgusting. Write back dammit!

Mostly, it's fairly easy to guess which email came from girlfriends and which came from normal, sane people. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Oh but I love 'em all.

Dreamboy.

me: I hit a jackpot of mellow songs
him: oh?
me: yeah one artist, lots of great put me to sleep and dream of my boy songs
him: aww dream of your boy?
me: yes
me: I like dreaming of you
him: I'm glad you dream of me
him: generally I spend so much time thinking of you before bed..... that I don't remember my dreams ....


How can I read that and NOT be gooey?

A Happy Story.

Written in under 20 minutes. Unedited yet. Not entirely sure why I'm even sharing it... but I feel that I can't not. So here...

They are entwined- arms and legs strategically wrapped around the other for maximum closeness. The hammock is swaying gently. It was a nice day and they were bound and determined to spend it together doing absolutely nothing other than basking in each others' embrace.

They are wrapped inside their own little world of just the two them. No one else matters, nothing else exists. Her head is on his chest, happily listening to the beat of his heart, secure in the knowledge that it beats only for her. His hand is stroking up and down her back, loving the feel of her warmth on him. Knowing that only he can make her flush with happiness and shiver in delight.

Theirs was a love that knows no boundaries. That has no expectations but every notion of security. They were in love, happy, carefree and right at that very moment, content to let the busy world pass them by.

Tomorrow will see them back in their own lives. Back to the work, to the worries and the fears. But today, today it's just them, their love and the gentle summer breeze.

...

Consider me back to normal. Ignore the previous post. There's really no use thinking I'll ever end a day on an effing high note.

Fuck this.

Happily Ever After is so Once Upon A Time.

Despite my very pessimistic subject, I have had the best day today. I woke up to a really lovely comment on my Facebook, I received a very mooshy, very gooey, very nice email from my snuggleums, and to top it all off with a very nice, very big red bow, my big brother Brent made me the happiest girl alive by agreeing to buy me more Ninjatown Micro Plush Series 2 plushies. Sigh. I'm like floating on cloud nine right now.

I also have a new book that I'm sinking my teeth into slowly. Mostly because if I read it the way I normally do which is super fast, then I'll be out of something to sink my teeth into really quickly. So, I'm pacing myself. I'm also less wobbly these days. The world doesn't tilt so much anymore. Life is going great. For once, I have absolutely nothing to nitpick about.

Something borrowed, nothing blue.

I spent some of today visiting my old online journals. Yes, I have more than one. Moving on, I found a few posts that made me laugh, some that made me cringe and some that just made me ask, "what the hell?"

There were also a hell of a lot of posts talking about, wishing for, obsessing over toys. Quite a number of posts talking about, wishing for and obsessing over boys as well. I'm nothing if not predictable and consistent.

For the longest time though, I really wasn't too keen on posting pictures of myself. I have really horrible self-esteem issues and back then, I'd rather eat glass than post pictures. I think I'm improving though... not all the way great but acceptable. Hey, at least now I post "some" pictures. Some of them even straight from my phone without the benefit of good 'ol Photoshop. Quite a feat, really.

I also regularly posted stories and poetry and essays. Now, not so much. I've become more selfish with my stuff I guess.

And now... on to the pictures.

Happiness is a ninja plush.

Whenever life gets way too complicated... I inevitably turn to my toys for comfort. And they always, always get the job done.

Shawnimals are a girl's best friend.

Rounding it up...

This week has been pretty confusing for me. I have a lot of conflicting emotions that are on the verge of overwhelming me. Scary shit, really. I'm trying not to let everything get to me and I think I'm doing a decent job, so far.

You know how you like certain things that aren't necessarily the norm so you keep it to yourself and hope that nobody finds out because, first - nobody wants to be looked at funny and second, nobody wants to be looked at funny. So yeah, anyway... I've been keeping a lot of stuff to myself for the longest time and only recently shared stuff with somebody really special to me. I have to say, I am pleasantly surprised that nobody looked at me funny plus I've also been comforted by the knowledge that I'm not the only one who feels the way I feel about certain things.

I know how people think that I only seem to write sad stories and never happy ones but nothing could be farther from the truth. I have a ton of happy stories. I just tend to keep them to myself. Eventually I'll feel less selfish about them and post a few but right now, you're just going to have to content yourself with my sad stories.

Sigh. There's so much I want to share...

Rare Occasion - A Repost.

I rarely repost from other blogs but this one blog that I follow has such inspiring and delightful posts... so here it is...

When I fall in love and find my eternal companion, I want to have as much love, as much happiness and as much laughter as those two.