Shedding the past.

It's official.  I'm single again.  I think I'll stay that way for good this time.  It's just easier not to trust people than to risk putting myself in that very vulnerable position again.  I'm done putting my emotional and mental well-being into somebody else's hands.  It's time I took the control back and keep it, for good.


I won't say I'll never fall in love again.  Knowing me, I probably will, many times over.  However, I don't think I'll ever risk getting into a relationship again.  I don't care how lonely it'll get at times.  Or how much it'll ache not to have somebody to love you right back.  But I deserve never to get hurt again, and the only person that can guarantee that is me.


I still find myself having teensy crushes on people and every once in a while, the butterflies visit.  And that's going to have to be good enough for me.  From now on, I'm going to trust only myself.  I'm only going to believe me.  Because if the past three years have taught me anything, it's that people lie.  When they tell you they love you, they lie.  When they tell you you deserve so much more, they're lying.  When they tell you they're never, ever going to deliberately hurt you - that right there is the biggest lie of all.


So from this day forward, the only person allowed to make me feel bad is me.  I'm responsible for my own happiness, and nobody can ever convince me otherwise.


Here we go.

End of the line.

There's just no reason to trust anybody, ever again.  Everybody lies.  

When I say... What I mean is...

When I say, "I'm upset because you've gone hours without saying a word to me..." what I mean is, "Why is messaging me once in a while to let me know you're not ignoring me so hard for you to do?"

When I say "I'm upset because people have been taking me for granted so much these past few days," what I mean is, "I'm upset because you're blatantly taking me for granted."

When I say, "If you're not going to talk to me, then log off so I won't have to see you ignoring me..." what I mean is, "Stay and talk to me."

When I say, "I'm nobody, I'm not worth anything..." what I mean is, "I'm nobody to you and not worth your time."

I'm not sure you even read my blog anymore... I'm not sure you really cared to, to begin with.  I'm not sure you mean what you say when you say you're sorry.  You've apologized so many times, for the same things, over and over again.  It makes me think why you just can't remember what hurts me and what makes me happy.

It's not even about being in a relationship or not being in one.  It's about knowing what your friend REALLY needs from you and helping her realize that you do mean what you say and giving her what she needs isn't so much of a hardship.

Making her feel like she's less important than a stadium full of strangers with computers, or a new book, or the hassle of finding a way to talk to her doesn't help and is costing her her sanity and emotional well-being.  Proving her she's wrong and that she really is important, does.  And it doesn't cost a single pence.  All it takes is a few texts.  A few words.  A few minutes.

A rant you say?

I feel like writing.  No, that's a lie... I actually feel like screaming.  At the top of my lungs, until my voice gives out.  I have so much to say but don't know how to say it without burning more bridges.  It feels like I'm trapped inside my head and no matter how hard I try, I can't claw my way out.

I have work.  Work keeps me sane.  But everything is just falling apart and I'm getting buried under a pile of responsibilities and obligations... I can't seem to make a dent big enough to let me breathe.  Even for a minute.

The small things that used to make me happy, that used to bring a smile to my face, a hundred percent guaranteed, now makes sad.  And angry and frustrated.

Sometimes I catch myself staring into space.  Drifting off somewhere.

Sometimes I wish I could just stay there and never, ever come back.

Racking Up the Frequent Flyer Points, eh Time?

How in the world am I 39 already? Dagnabit.

Celebrating the Man...

He was the early morning honking, patiently waiting in the jeep while Nanay prepared to go to the Zapote market.  He was the daily guitar playing, harmonizing with my Mom as they sang Seals & Croft songs.  He was the constant laughter, zinging out jokes to amuse those around him.  He was the cup of coffee in the morning, afternoon and night, quietly taking everything in.  He was the doting uncle, playing patiently with me and my cousins; leaving little pearls of wisdom encased in humor and lightness.  He was the guy's guy, getting along with everybody he meets, making people feel that they matter, whoever they may be.  He was the perennial joker, the one who could both ruffle your feathers and make you feel ten feet tall.


There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him.  About how he would encourage me to do better in his own unique way.  About how much Christmas isn't the same without him gathering all the kids together to perform our little holiday numbers.  About how he would quietly go about his duties and responsibilities, not needing adulation or praise.  


He was a son, a brother, an uncle and a father.  He was a good man.  


He will forever be missed.

Book Bliss

Heaven on earth ♥

Photo Break.

It doesn't hurt that Shawn Smith "liked" this on my Facebook wall.  I mean, w00t.

See?  

All men are created equal...ly douchey.

I have to remember that I hate guys; in theory I do and I always remember. But then you meet someone and they treat you like a princess and spin a tale so beautiful you can’t help but fall. And suddenly you catch yourself thinking, “Surely this one must be different, he must be the one that is going to make up for all the others, that infamous prince to the rescue. No one could possibly be that much of a sociopath.” While they are simultaneously thinking, “Wanna bet?”

Starting from the edges...

I'm slowly putting myself back together again... like a giant jigsaw puzzle on steroids.  It's not going to be easy.  It never is.  At times, I still feel betrayed... or abandoned... or guilty.  My head isn't the best place to be in right now.  And on top of everything, I have to deal with something extra confusing and lots annoying.  All I ever wanted is to have a simple, happy fulfilled life.  Heh... somehow I ended up getting the complete opposite.  

Business as usual.

I don't know how long I can keep this up.  I don't know when I last slept.  I spend the day glued to the TV or forcing myself to read or filling my journal with garbled thoughts.  I didn't realize just how many normal day to day things remind me of him.  I've stripped my room bare of every single thing that would send me into an emotional tailspin and put all of them in a box.   Yesterday, I took the box outside to burn it only to take it inside again, rifle through its contents and fight the urge to bash every single window pane to pieces with my bare hands.  I've pushed everyone I know away because I can't share this with anyone yet... how can I?  How do I begin to tell people that he's moved on and I'm stuck here, broken and confused?  Why can't he feel miserable like me, if only for a little bit?  Why the fuck am I the only one suffering?  How do I start hating someone I've known and loved for so long so I can start living again?  How is this so easy for him?  Why am I the only one mourning?  Why is it so easy for him to stop everything?  I'm on a slow downward spiral to self-destruction and I can't seem to stop.

Happily Never After.

I lost count on how many times I picked up my phone today to text him because I saw something or thought of something that I wanted to share with him... only to remember that we're broken up.  I need for all this to end soon.  I need to forget.  I need to stop torturing myself and just get it over with.  It's not going to get any better, ever again.  Who am I kidding?  This was my last chance at a normal, happy relationship... despite it being abnormal because of the distance... Heh... it's not like I went into it not knowing there was an expiration date... I just didn't count on it being this painful.  If I had just stuck to my guns and kept it simple, before I got too involved..  you know that saying, "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" whoever said that is completely and utterly full of shit... because if you're not gorgeous, sexy and rich... if you're just a below average woman with absolutely no redeeming values, then love is just another fucked up four letter word... because you'll never be enough... never be worth fighting for. Ever.

Oh what fresh hell is this?

I feel the need to vent.  I just don't know where to start.  To be honest, I don't even know what happened.  It's like I woke up and BAM!  Just like that, my whole life was turned upside down. I don't know who to blame, I don't know what to blame them for.  I just know that I'm hurting and alone.  Utterly and completely alone.  How did that happen?  Work has been keeping me busy but today's the last day and I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself the moment I hit send.  Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of the pain.  I can't play my games, I can't read my books... I can't.  God... you'd think I'd be too old to feel like this.  Short of putting everything that serves as a reminder of what I lost inside a box and burning it, I'm not sure what else to do.  To stop all the memories, all the habits formed.  I need to get away but from what?  And where do I go?  How can I get away from the memories?  Doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing, when the memories come, I just crumble and spend the next hour curled up in bed, crying my eyes out.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Surely, I can get over this too, right?  I've done it before... I've fallen in love, gotten hurt and left and I survived.  Fuck.  How do I do it this time?  When the one who left me now is the one who saved me before?  What the fuck do I do now?  God. I'm surrounded by memories.  They're just everywhere.  Inside my head, in my room... my closet, my phone... everyfuckingwhere!  Do I get rid of everything?  Or do I suffer through the memories and hope that someday, they'd be so faded, I won't have a hard time pushing them to the back of my mind where they belong?  When does this end?  I need the pain to end now... not in the future... not way down the road.  NOW.  And the most painful part of all this?  I'm alone in my pain because I'm the only one who lost someone I love.  The realization that all he lost was an unpleasant distraction is killing me.  How do I get over that?  And the next person who tells me there's somebody out there for me will get gutted with a hunting knife.  I need my anger.  I need to feel rage.  I need something to hold on to so I won't keep crumbling and losing it.  I need everything to stop so I can start.  Again.  Without him.  God, kill me now.

Fin.

If I had the heart to completely delete this blog I will... but I'm afraid, I'm not brave enough to remove everything that reminds me of how happy I used to be in one fell swoop.  Maybe I'll do it slowly over the next few weeks... maybe I'll wake up one day and suddenly have the courage to finally flip the page and start all over again... who knows really?

If there's anything this whole experience has taught me it's that everything ends.  Everything.  No matter how tight you hold onto something, eventually, you'll lose it.  And no amount of wanting, wishing, hoping will get it back once it's gone.  

Especially if you lost it because it left you.

Hi, my name is Sybil. 'Sup?

Ola mi enamoradas!

Work has been keeping me busy these past few weeks but I did manage to have some well deserved rest too, so dontcha worry.  I got a lot of miles in me yet.  I can still learn new tricks, yo!  This girl still has got a lot to say and a lot to do.  

Drowning in internetisms yet?  Let's throw in some OH NOES, w00t w00ts and KTHNXBAIs in there too just to be safe.

So yeah, lots of work to do.  Managed to get my hands on some really great books (ze boyfriend will drop a nut that I didn't crop him out of ze picture... tsk tsk) and finally caved in and got the boxset for The Hunger Games.  Which I won't get to read until my work load eases up... so maybe next week.  We shall see.  I also got Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, Perks of Being a Wallflower (Fi-nuh-lly!) by Stephen Chbosky, Chesapeake Blue by Nora Roberts and Paper Cuts by Pam Pastor.  Runs the gamut, eh?  Was gonna get Astigirl by Tweet Sering but dayuuum, it was 'spensive!

I forgot the unspoken rule of buying an article of clothing every time I get paid.  Blergh.  I've got to remember next time.  To be fair though, I have more important things to use ze monies for.  Yes, books are important!  Durr.  

Ze mind is all over ze place.  I don't even know why I keep using ze.  Whazzup wid joo brain?

What the frak... I promise, I am a literate, educated woman.  Despite those them words up there.  Urgh... it just won't stop.

Anyway, until then... eres mi vida.

Rush. Rush.

To say that I'm swamped with work is putting it mildly.  For the past week, I've been mainlining caffeine by drinking tons of Coke and boosting my flailing system by snaffling down chocolate and anything that is practically made out of sugar.


Todays boost comes from Gatorade, halo-halo, Mini Oreos and packets of KitKat Bites.  Halo halo is a Filipino dessert made with shaved ice, sweetened fruits, candied beans, taro jam, ice cream, tapioca, slivers of flan, milk and sugar.  Literally translated, Halo halo means Mix mix because well... you know why.. unless you haven't been paying attention or just... well, anyway... so my kid goes out to get my mom and I two tumblers of the sweet icy concoction.


Soon as it arrived, I began scooping out the sweetened fruits, the ice cream, the taro jam and the candied beans into my mom's cup. She remained silent throughout the process but when I was finished fishing out the stuff that I didn't like and dumping it into her cup, she looked at me and said, "You should've just bought shaved ice and dumped milk and sugar in it."


Ha!  Maybe next time.  Gotta go write some more now.  See you when I surface next... IF I surface at all.  Sigh.

Getting my bookworm on.

While I can't COMPLETELY give up going online for Lent because of work, I made sure I have enough time to get down and dirty with my beloved books.  My goal this week is to read 4 books in 2 days.  Sadly not all of them will be new books but this week is as good a time as any to revisit some of them.


My booklist is as follows:
Indulgence in Death by JD Robb
Naermyth by Karen Francisco
Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Going Down by Jennifer Belle


Runs the gamut from murder mystery to fantasy with a dash of witty kink.  


This is going to be a good week.

Well this is just dandy...

So much has happened. Quite a bit of happy mixed with the more prevalent sad.

Also, I'm just finding out that I'm still not quite ready to write about it all.

Apparently, right now, all I can get myself to share can be summed up in 149 characters or less.

Brag Swag

♥

Twofers.

This seems to be a day for double entendres...


me: I should really make a to do list.
him: as long as I'm the only guy on it.

♥

Bitesize Blogging

Quick recap:

• I have 3 new kids - James, Ellie and Ben.  The stork dropped them off a few days after V-day.
• Was quite sick for a bit but definitely better now.
• Still in love with my Ducky... 
• Keeping busy with work and play.
• Met up with friends and had fun.
• Added a few more chapters to the book.
• Writing a rough draft for a different book idea.

Living life and making the most out of it.

Remembering the man.

For five wonderful years...

I was the light of his life.  
The skip in his step.  
The smile on his face.  
The twinkle in his eyes.

He was my champion. 
My indestructible hero.  
The only one whose approval mattered.  
Whose presence I still crave for.

He was my world as I was his.

I miss him.

Shelf Life

It's the little things that make me happy.  :)

An unusual farewell...

Yesterday, the strap of one of my very first pair of Havaianas flip-flops broke.  I wasn't even walking or doing anything when it did.  I was sitting casually in front of my computer, swiveling slightly on my chair using my feet to keep me anchored on the spot when I felt the strap go *snap*...

I looked down and this inexplicable wave of sadness hit me when I saw that the strap snapped off.  I've had this pair for six long years.  I've walked, played, run, skipped and danced with it on.  It has served me well....

I also bought it during happier times when life was still uncomplicated.  Maybe this means that I too should just stop hoping, stop holding on to the thought of being that happy again.  Maybe it breaking means that it's time for me to completely let go of the past and just move on.

Time for a new pair... a new life.  Time to walk, run, play, skip and dance wearing something different, something new.  Time to hope for something else...

Goodbye old friend.  I will miss you but it's time for me to move on.  I won't ever forget you but a new friend awaits with new adventures to take and new memories to make.

Excess Baggage

I love bags.  I never go out without some sort of bag perched happily on my shoulder, moving along with me as I brave the cruel, cruel world.

I love my bags weird, huge, floppy, and hobo-ish.  I don't like 'em rigid and boxy and frou-frou-ish.   There's just something special about a bag that's weird enough it's bordering on one of a kind, huge enough to fit any of your friends in and make 'em feel like they're traveling first class and floppy enough that it can also serve as an emergency security blanket for those unexpectedly depressing moments.

My favorite kind of bag is the hobo bag.  Whenever I walk past a store and spot a hobo bag, I stand transfixed for a few minutes, daydreaming about the many wonderful adventures I can go on if only I had one.  And if I have enough money, you can bet your ass I'mma take that bag home with me and love it, and hug it and call it MINE.

To date, I have about 18 bags and I'm nowhere near finished hoarding more. 

♫ Let's hear it for the boys ♪

I can't believe it.  I finally had a day out with my guy friends after a gazillion years!  I have forgotten just how fun it is to just hang out with them and eat like pigs and laugh like loons.

First, Herbert, Christian and I went in search of new toys for me (of course) because well, I needed new toys from Secret Fresh.  After getting lost for a bit, we finally found the toy place and got me 2 new plushies.  Score!  We're going back to get Herbert this really cool shirt.  Maybe next week.  We shall see.

Then we drove back to meet up with Marc and Jorest at ArmyNavy where we proceeded to stuff our faces with the best burgers in town.  The burrito and onion rings weren't half bad too.  Thing was, none of them thought it was wise to tell me that eating an ArmyNavy Double Burger meant downing half a pound of meat.  At the end of the meal, I was too full to even speak.  So we walked off the huge meal we had then decided half an hour later that we now have room in our already stuffed stomachs for frozen yogurt.

I ♥ YO has one of the best frozen yogurts I've ever tasted.  I had Strawberry with CHUNKS of strawberry in it and I was humming the entire time I was inhaling it.  YUM.  Finally, because we (well, mostly the boys) thought we needed to eat some more, we headed off to another friend's house to have dinner there.

We are pigs.  Happy pigs but pigs nonetheless.

Wonder when we're going out next....

And a dance.

While I was watching Bones earlier, I had a little epiphany.  Towards the end, when Booth and Bones were having their post-case drink he made a wish for her.... He wished that she would have happiness in her life.  And he defined happiness as love, laughter, purpose and a dance.  

And that got me thinking... whether or not I have happiness in my life.  I have love... I have laughter but I'm not sure I have purpose.  And that's just sad seeing as I'm practically an old crone.  So this year will be dedicated to the sole err... purpose of finding my purpose in life.  {I'm sorry but there's really no other way to reword that sentence.} 2011 is the year that I will find my purpose.  And if I am lucky and blessed enough to succeed, I will make sure that I serve that purpose for the rest of my life. Anyway, so yeah. 

I have the love.  I have the laughter.  I will my find my purpose.  And at the end, I will have that dance.  And I shall be truly and completely happy.

2011, ready or not, here I come.

I still resolve to stop having so many hang ups about the way I look.  I will, however, promise to take better care of myself this year.  I will watch what I eat and geroffmyfatass and exercise more.  

I'm going to dance again.  And nothing's going to stop me.