By the way...

I'm getting three of these from my sweetie...

I love ya baby! Thank you!!

It's been too effing long

58 million years have passed since my last post. Whoa. Talk about shameless slothfulness. I have it in spades.

It's not that I haven't had any opportunity to blog for the past millions of years... I was just way too preoccupied with my quest to out-sloth the sloth. Boy, you should've seen me when I perfected the 24 hour lie in. No getting up except for 1 minute bathroom breaks. Seriously.

I think my head imploded from boredom after the 16th hour. But I forged on. Hell yeah. It's a wonder really that I haven't evolved into a slug after the 22nd hour.

Anyway, what has been up with me you ask? Abso-fuckin-lutely nothing. Nothing with a capital N. I have entered the catatonic phase of my life. I'm so immobile, I'm virtually petrified. And I'm not making an iota of sense. Pfft. You try being stuck in a rut for the last 58 million years, let's see what you can accomplish.

Seriously though, apart from trying to keep myself from slaughtering poor defenseless lizards, I've basically been writing and editing most of the stories and essays that I've written throughout the years. It's hard work I tell ya.

So, yeah, I'll maybe post some more when I get the urge. See you in 58 million years!

Ain't I The Snarky One?

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Must be because I slept on the wrong side last night. Gah. I'm all fucked up. My neck has this irritating crick in it, my arms feel like some steroid-pumping wrestler sat on them AND my eyes are bleary as all hell. All in all, not a good day. And it's only 11:20 am. Boy, am I in for it or what?

So... yesterday has been one heck of an emotional roller coaster ride. Serves me right for going against everything that I am. I went to church yesterday. Yep, you read it right. I went to church. Hoooboy... I'm telling you, I would rather play in traffic than to have a repeat of yesterday's shitfest.

You would think I've learned my lesson by now. You would think that by this time, I'd know better. But noooooooooooo...

Oy vey.

I am happiest when... I have no friggin' idea...

I've a lot of things to say... mostly about friendship and how compli-fuckin-cated it is. There are shades of gray... and even pink. Damnit. Nothing is just "as is". Everything is complex and one has to be well trained in reading between the freakin' lines just to stay afloat.

I've never understood why something so... BASIC should be so... COMPLEX. Why everything is more than meets the eye. Ch..ch..ch..ch..chuchew... (I suck at spelling sound effects...) No seriously... it's tiring maintaining friendships... it's a lot of work. Mostly, it's rewarding enough but Jesus Christ in neon leotards, most of the time it's just not fuckin' worth it. Yeah, I swore.. go... tell the bishop. GO. NOW. Before you become as WICKED and SINFUL as me. Tsk tsk.

Sigh. Yeah I'm bitter. Can't you tell? No? I know a grocery store that sells additional IQ points. You might wanna go and buy some first.

Anyhoo... alright so I'm bitter. I'm also spitting mad. No... I'm not actually spitting. That would be rude. And I'm not an alpaca. I keep digressing. Mostly because I'm still trying to compose what I really want to say.

And what I want to say is... uhm... (No Bans, I did not just give you the dirty finger... shaddap) What I want to say is that while it is HARD work to maintain friendships, the friends who are worth fighting for, who're worth slashing your wrists for, (Gawd, I hope no one asks me to do that... I have no plans of mucking up my beautiful beautiful tattoos in the name of friendship...) who're always there no matter what, who're on your side, regardless; those people make it all worth the crap and the tears and the effort.

I've a handful of real friends. A handful. Friends that have gone through the worst with me. Friends who've experienced being downwind when I passed gas and didn't care. (We all fart damnit, so do you... so don't even start...) Friends who despite the GINORMOUS list of reasons to hate my guts, still love me.

But because I'm not rich, not famous (infamous maybe... I'm the ULTIMATE Bad Influence... ), not gorgeous (pfft, if I was gorgeous, then I'd be rich, right? Like I said, buy some additional IQ already...) Anyway... because I'm not all that, I can't buy them houses and cars and fancy shit and all that other la-dee-dah stuff as my way of saying thank you for staying with me all these years...

One thing I can give them though, and I seriously believe it's worth more than 10 Bentleys or Jags... is my undying love. (Cue single tear falling slowly from right eye...)

I'm serious. I love them all. I love them enough that I'd do anything they ask of me. Like step back. Like come back to church. Like stop having sex (no... wait... ok... this is under SERIOUS consideration). Like parting with my beloved plush toys. I love them period.

And if that's not enough. Then it's not. When it starts being enough, I'll be here. Waiting. In the meantime... Ch..ch..ch..ch..chuchew...

And then there was you...

I love you. I really do. Thank you for coming into my life.

When I'm with you, I find my balance again.

When I'm with you, I crave for nothing more.

When I'm with you, breathing is so much easier.

What the heck took you so long? :)