Doing a Nicholson.

Ola.  I've tried really hard to ignore this blog and start a new one but for some reason, I just keep coming back to it.  Despite the fact that it's chock full of posts that painfully remind me of happier days when things were simple, honest and healthy.  I miss those days.  I miss not hurting so much.  I miss feeling like I'm enough and that I truly matter.  Sadly though, I think those days are really long gone.

Maybe, I should just throw everything away the way I'm being casually thrown away.  Maybe I should just nut up and accept the cold hard fact that I have outlived my usefulness, I have been replaced and I've stopped mattering.  The quicker I learn to accept these things, the quicker I can get on with my life.

I promised myself that I would never go back to being apathetic about how people treat me.  I promised myself that I'm going to learn how to graciously allow people to love me for who I am.  I've went and done the whole "Bah, so what?" routine and it's gotten me nothing but a few lonely years.  And I don't want that again.  I thrive around people, around friends.  I love sharing jokes, interests and stories with people I care for.  I love being there for them when the going gets tough.  I love being their shoulder to cry on and I love knowing that when it's my turn to cry, I've got an abundance of dry shoulders to choose from to catch my tears.

Sadly though, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.  I guess I've passed the point of being somebody's shoulder and is now being happily used as their doormat.

People wonder why I have a low opinion of myself when they only need to look at how badly they've been treating me to know.

Empty compliments and untrue declarations of concern do not a real friendship make.

Oh and yeah... I guess I'm back.

Shedding the past.

It's official.  I'm single again.  I think I'll stay that way for good this time.  It's just easier not to trust people than to risk putting myself in that very vulnerable position again.  I'm done putting my emotional and mental well-being into somebody else's hands.  It's time I took the control back and keep it, for good.


I won't say I'll never fall in love again.  Knowing me, I probably will, many times over.  However, I don't think I'll ever risk getting into a relationship again.  I don't care how lonely it'll get at times.  Or how much it'll ache not to have somebody to love you right back.  But I deserve never to get hurt again, and the only person that can guarantee that is me.


I still find myself having teensy crushes on people and every once in a while, the butterflies visit.  And that's going to have to be good enough for me.  From now on, I'm going to trust only myself.  I'm only going to believe me.  Because if the past three years have taught me anything, it's that people lie.  When they tell you they love you, they lie.  When they tell you you deserve so much more, they're lying.  When they tell you they're never, ever going to deliberately hurt you - that right there is the biggest lie of all.


So from this day forward, the only person allowed to make me feel bad is me.  I'm responsible for my own happiness, and nobody can ever convince me otherwise.


Here we go.

End of the line.

There's just no reason to trust anybody, ever again.  Everybody lies.  

When I say... What I mean is...

When I say, "I'm upset because you've gone hours without saying a word to me..." what I mean is, "Why is messaging me once in a while to let me know you're not ignoring me so hard for you to do?"

When I say "I'm upset because people have been taking me for granted so much these past few days," what I mean is, "I'm upset because you're blatantly taking me for granted."

When I say, "If you're not going to talk to me, then log off so I won't have to see you ignoring me..." what I mean is, "Stay and talk to me."

When I say, "I'm nobody, I'm not worth anything..." what I mean is, "I'm nobody to you and not worth your time."

I'm not sure you even read my blog anymore... I'm not sure you really cared to, to begin with.  I'm not sure you mean what you say when you say you're sorry.  You've apologized so many times, for the same things, over and over again.  It makes me think why you just can't remember what hurts me and what makes me happy.

It's not even about being in a relationship or not being in one.  It's about knowing what your friend REALLY needs from you and helping her realize that you do mean what you say and giving her what she needs isn't so much of a hardship.

Making her feel like she's less important than a stadium full of strangers with computers, or a new book, or the hassle of finding a way to talk to her doesn't help and is costing her her sanity and emotional well-being.  Proving her she's wrong and that she really is important, does.  And it doesn't cost a single pence.  All it takes is a few texts.  A few words.  A few minutes.

A rant you say?

I feel like writing.  No, that's a lie... I actually feel like screaming.  At the top of my lungs, until my voice gives out.  I have so much to say but don't know how to say it without burning more bridges.  It feels like I'm trapped inside my head and no matter how hard I try, I can't claw my way out.

I have work.  Work keeps me sane.  But everything is just falling apart and I'm getting buried under a pile of responsibilities and obligations... I can't seem to make a dent big enough to let me breathe.  Even for a minute.

The small things that used to make me happy, that used to bring a smile to my face, a hundred percent guaranteed, now makes sad.  And angry and frustrated.

Sometimes I catch myself staring into space.  Drifting off somewhere.

Sometimes I wish I could just stay there and never, ever come back.